Passion in all directions

I bet in some way you guys have realized that I am a very passionate person when I comes to all my relationships, mainly with my mother and then with the so-called-love-of-life. That is because before everything that happened in my life I had nothing really to be passionate about because I was more shy and introverted than I am now. I am still introverted in some ways but I have put a voice to my name to make sure I was heard. So while saying that I am here to tell you that my leaving is a no go.

I have actually went to were Anthony was and I thought it was great, just a week of figuring out if it would work out – me living with him. Even though I could not really cook him food, because he does not have much of a kitchen, but the whole experience for me was great. It made me realize that I miss having someone I like around me, maybe long distance – I mean it is not even like we are in a relationship, so I should really stop saying that- so I will say not being in a relationship will do that to you.

So to make a long story short, I went there, I thought that it would really work out since we both can handle being around each other -so I was ready to move in. Him on the other hand feels like it is too soon (and by soon that means in July, the month I was planning on moving), that he feels like he has to give up his personal space if I move in with him, that my relationship with my mother needs to be fixed because he feels like it is not good to have a bad relationship with family, and the first thing that would stop me from going was if I lost weight and got back to my high school weight- he would want me there.

At that point I just did not know what to say. I think I just decided that I will just go to plan B and move on. I would still talk to him (which I never do with ex-boyfriends even ex-co-workers) I would just focus on things that I can control, like school, work, the place I live, what I do day to day.

School, I will finish my Associates this semester, then I will go to the school that I want to go to for my Bachelor’s in Accounting degree. The only reason I have put an emphasis on ‘I want to go to’ is because my mother wants me to stay in the school I am in now to pursue a similar degree, Business Information Technology. I do not want that degree, I want the accounting degree and to try to move up in the school I want to go to.

Work, I mean I can not really control my actual company that I am working for but what I am trying to do is to try to get into a different department such as an accounting position or even an office position. Since knowing people in a specific industry can do wonders such as job inquires, networking, and even personal time learning different software’s. Also, since my mother is not to be too kind to the idea of me going to the school that I want to go to I will get a second job at Subway with the help of my friend, who will soon be my roommate, just to help a little extra with some funds I might need.

For taking control of the place that I will live, it is great that I have finally found a friend that I am comfortable with and we share a similar mind set when I comes to trivial things. So this time I thing that I will enjoy living with a roommate, especially if she bought the house herself. She was my plan B if something went wrong with me moving in with Anthony, and guess what it did. So I will stay here with her until my degree is finished then figure out how my career is going and where it will take me (hopefully in Colorado or somewhere with mountains, four seasons, and a beautiful environment).

That is just what I am focused on right now. I do not think that I could handle being in another relationship after Anthony, I mean how can a girl after being with someone I knew was the love of my life to, then trying to forget him and could not, then going back to him trying to make something work where I would be close to him so we could try again, to then having my heart crushed because he is not ready. I still feel like I would not have that same feeling I had when I was with Anthony when we were together, and some part of me feels like that I will not ever have that same feeling again even if things with Anthony was to work out in the future.

So that’s what I am talking about when I say that I have passion in all directions, think of it as like you are in a house you see an open door, you then run to it someone comes up to you and then closes it in your face, you see another door you then run again to it and it gets closed again right before you reach it. Some people after the second door would then walk to the next door they see open, but I run every time in hopes that I will go through an open door eventually.

 

Can you Relate?  

Maternal Relationships

I will never have a good relationship with my mother. There are just somethings that will never really resolve itself with time or anything else. 

I can think of the things why our relationship is rocky in the first place… When I was younger I never liked lying to my mother because she has a way about her that when she is upset, she does not talk to me for a while and for some reason that hurt me more than someone ever yelling or talking down to me. I  mean I would lie about the small stuff: telling her I took a shower but I did not, telling her I finished my homework but I did not, and telling her that I did not have sweets but I did. Back then I did not clearly understand that she has a problem with people lying to her, I mean I was only 7 or 8 at the time. How could I know that my father would have a problem with lying as well. I  mean, we did not live with him, he left on the night of my birth and my relationship was never good in the first place. But turns out that I am just like him when it comes to lying and half of my personality traits. I guess… well I don’t guess I know… that I lie to people when I know that I just did something that they will not approve. I would say something that I know that that person would expect to hear from someone like me, innocent and always doing to right thing. Not doing anything stupid or wrong. But the fact is I have the ability to lie and to believe my lie even, I do try to make my lie the truth. I also feel that if I  do tell people that I have lied to them in the past they will not believe me in the future even when I am telling the truth. 

But my mother knows that I have lied to her in the past and she has not trusted me since then because since I was eight years old I have been trying to regain her trust, but how does an eight year old try to get the trust from a twenty-eight year old women scarred from the lying and betrayal from the eight year old’s father. So since then our relationship has not been good at all, and my sister is going through the same thing right now going into her teenage years. I honestly think that she needs to realize that we are just children and the thing she does when she either finds out that we lied to her or she knows the truth and we lie to her face. She just stops talking to us and walks away, to me that is the worst because I rather have someone yelling at me and showing me that they are upset and then I could work on getting better.

I was told in high school, movies, TV shows, and even the books that I read, communication is key to a good relationship with anyone. And there is none when I comes to my mother.  Even my step-father sometimes thinks that it is ridiculous when I comes to her moments when she is upset at something that he did even though he ‘communicated’ to her his plans, she still goes crazy and becomes upset and stops talking to him  for a week! And he is the best thing that has ever happened to her, he never lied to her, he helped out with raising my sister and I, and he has been the better father than my own father and my sisters father.  

And you know the thing that makes this crazy to me. I can not stop myself for wanting to make her proud of me and being better than her. 

I guess that I am already on my way to becoming better than her. I am not with child, I am living on my own, I am or was on my way to being the person that makes me happy but she fucked that up too. I mean I already. 

At my age she had me, she was living with her mother and shoved me onto her while she finished school and worked full time (she never really stopped working full time when I was a child) I guess that is why we were never really close because she was always gone. And so that is when she did start slowing down with working all those hours, I myself started to drift away from her because in reality I did not really know her. 

I know I have my problems and I know where I get them from, but I learn from their mistakes. I learned from my mothers, but since without my father for a majority of my life I did not learn from his mistakes, lying. I still love her, she is my mother after all. 

But I just wish that our relationship was better, I mean growing older seems to help. Not being in the same house seems to help and only talking once in a while about school, Nathan, and an update on what is going on. 

 

How can he expect for me to remedy the situation. Should I tell him all this now or just let him go because of my relationship with my own mother.

I really need this to happen

Have you ever just needed something to happen to prove yourself to a specific person and to yourself?

 

 I mean I am in a situation where I have the ability to leave because:

 

1.  I have completed my Associates degree, which means I can choose to go where ever for my Bachelors in Accounting (I mean come on, what school does not have a program for accounting)

 

2. I do not like Florida… I have never liked the fact that there are no real ‘seasons’ (it was 84 degrees yesterday and I was sweating while walking around the campus) I miss the snow, the leaves changing colors in the fall and rain in the spring time. Not every day at 4 o’clock for 15 minutes.

 

3. My family is great at times, but then at times I feel like they still treat me like a child, especially my mother. I know in some way I am a child, only 21 years old and still have a lot to learn when it comes to live in the world. But I want to just leave and not have them there only 20 minutes away. Before when I was 18, right after high school I thought the same thing, but I have changed significantly. I have learned that I could live on my own and take care of myself when it comes to bills, feeding myself and Nathan, and just taking care of my body. Before, I did not know how to handle all of those things at once, now with a couple of year under my belt I can definitely truly live on my own, if need be.

 

4. Another thing! I am 21 years old and I am the only one in my family that is not pregnant, has dropped out of school, and is not living with their parents like the rest of my cousins and even my mother at my age. She just had me and she dropped out of the air force, had me, and lived with her mother. But now she is successful making more money than she ever imagined with a master’s degree, a two-story house, a man that loves her, and is still taking care of my sister the way she wished she raised me ( or so I hope ).

 

So with all those reason for me to have the abilities to leave, I still have to keep telling myself that I can do it. Because I cannot really believe that I truly have the ability to leave.

 

Okay just to let you guys know that I am not really going to be all alone and really vulnerable. I will actually be living with Tony, he is there in military and I just want to try to be with him now that we are a little more grown up than we were before when we were together back in high school. So I just want to see how being with him goes, I have planned out where I might work, where I would attend school to get my Bachelor’s degree, and where we might live together with Nathan. I have this all planned out. I have back up plans to my plans.

 

So why am I not confident as much as I really should be? Maybe I have to wait until I take a look for myself on what I have to look forward to. (That’s why I am going to fly there very soon so I can get a feel for the environment, the city, and the even take a tour of the school if I can.) So maybe then I will find out if this is unsettling feeling is just nerves before the change.

 

Looking Around

Things are happening. And things are coming soon… Am I ready?

Looking Back

I look back at all the picture that has been taken of me and i see that same smile. that showing all my teeth and most of my gumskind of smile that people recognize is mine since middle school when i got my embarassing braces. having the braces, man was that i nightmare, it didnt feel right smiling without showing teeth. the medal against my lips, it wasnt the most pleasurable feeling in the world. and thats when it started. that overbaring smile that seems to draw people in, that seems to make people comfortable with me, that seemed to draw Anthony in my life who made me the happiest person alive.