Passion in all directions

I bet in some way you guys have realized that I am a very passionate person when I comes to all my relationships, mainly with my mother and then with the so-called-love-of-life. That is because before everything that happened in my life I had nothing really to be passionate about because I was more shy and introverted than I am now. I am still introverted in some ways but I have put a voice to my name to make sure I was heard. So while saying that I am here to tell you that my leaving is a no go.

I have actually went to were Anthony was and I thought it was great, just a week of figuring out if it would work out – me living with him. Even though I could not really cook him food, because he does not have much of a kitchen, but the whole experience for me was great. It made me realize that I miss having someone I like around me, maybe long distance – I mean it is not even like we are in a relationship, so I should really stop saying that- so I will say not being in a relationship will do that to you.

So to make a long story short, I went there, I thought that it would really work out since we both can handle being around each other -so I was ready to move in. Him on the other hand feels like it is too soon (and by soon that means in July, the month I was planning on moving), that he feels like he has to give up his personal space if I move in with him, that my relationship with my mother needs to be fixed because he feels like it is not good to have a bad relationship with family, and the first thing that would stop me from going was if I lost weight and got back to my high school weight- he would want me there.

At that point I just did not know what to say. I think I just decided that I will just go to plan B and move on. I would still talk to him (which I never do with ex-boyfriends even ex-co-workers) I would just focus on things that I can control, like school, work, the place I live, what I do day to day.

School, I will finish my Associates this semester, then I will go to the school that I want to go to for my Bachelor’s in Accounting degree. The only reason I have put an emphasis on ‘I want to go to’ is because my mother wants me to stay in the school I am in now to pursue a similar degree, Business Information Technology. I do not want that degree, I want the accounting degree and to try to move up in the school I want to go to.

Work, I mean I can not really control my actual company that I am working for but what I am trying to do is to try to get into a different department such as an accounting position or even an office position. Since knowing people in a specific industry can do wonders such as job inquires, networking, and even personal time learning different software’s. Also, since my mother is not to be too kind to the idea of me going to the school that I want to go to I will get a second job at Subway with the help of my friend, who will soon be my roommate, just to help a little extra with some funds I might need.

For taking control of the place that I will live, it is great that I have finally found a friend that I am comfortable with and we share a similar mind set when I comes to trivial things. So this time I thing that I will enjoy living with a roommate, especially if she bought the house herself. She was my plan B if something went wrong with me moving in with Anthony, and guess what it did. So I will stay here with her until my degree is finished then figure out how my career is going and where it will take me (hopefully in Colorado or somewhere with mountains, four seasons, and a beautiful environment).

That is just what I am focused on right now. I do not think that I could handle being in another relationship after Anthony, I mean how can a girl after being with someone I knew was the love of my life to, then trying to forget him and could not, then going back to him trying to make something work where I would be close to him so we could try again, to then having my heart crushed because he is not ready. I still feel like I would not have that same feeling I had when I was with Anthony when we were together, and some part of me feels like that I will not ever have that same feeling again even if things with Anthony was to work out in the future.

So that’s what I am talking about when I say that I have passion in all directions, think of it as like you are in a house you see an open door, you then run to it someone comes up to you and then closes it in your face, you see another door you then run again to it and it gets closed again right before you reach it. Some people after the second door would then walk to the next door they see open, but I run every time in hopes that I will go through an open door eventually.

 

Can you Relate?  

Maternal Relationships

I will never have a good relationship with my mother. There are just somethings that will never really resolve itself with time or anything else. 

I can think of the things why our relationship is rocky in the first place… When I was younger I never liked lying to my mother because she has a way about her that when she is upset, she does not talk to me for a while and for some reason that hurt me more than someone ever yelling or talking down to me. I  mean I would lie about the small stuff: telling her I took a shower but I did not, telling her I finished my homework but I did not, and telling her that I did not have sweets but I did. Back then I did not clearly understand that she has a problem with people lying to her, I mean I was only 7 or 8 at the time. How could I know that my father would have a problem with lying as well. I  mean, we did not live with him, he left on the night of my birth and my relationship was never good in the first place. But turns out that I am just like him when it comes to lying and half of my personality traits. I guess… well I don’t guess I know… that I lie to people when I know that I just did something that they will not approve. I would say something that I know that that person would expect to hear from someone like me, innocent and always doing to right thing. Not doing anything stupid or wrong. But the fact is I have the ability to lie and to believe my lie even, I do try to make my lie the truth. I also feel that if I  do tell people that I have lied to them in the past they will not believe me in the future even when I am telling the truth. 

But my mother knows that I have lied to her in the past and she has not trusted me since then because since I was eight years old I have been trying to regain her trust, but how does an eight year old try to get the trust from a twenty-eight year old women scarred from the lying and betrayal from the eight year old’s father. So since then our relationship has not been good at all, and my sister is going through the same thing right now going into her teenage years. I honestly think that she needs to realize that we are just children and the thing she does when she either finds out that we lied to her or she knows the truth and we lie to her face. She just stops talking to us and walks away, to me that is the worst because I rather have someone yelling at me and showing me that they are upset and then I could work on getting better.

I was told in high school, movies, TV shows, and even the books that I read, communication is key to a good relationship with anyone. And there is none when I comes to my mother.  Even my step-father sometimes thinks that it is ridiculous when I comes to her moments when she is upset at something that he did even though he ‘communicated’ to her his plans, she still goes crazy and becomes upset and stops talking to him  for a week! And he is the best thing that has ever happened to her, he never lied to her, he helped out with raising my sister and I, and he has been the better father than my own father and my sisters father.  

And you know the thing that makes this crazy to me. I can not stop myself for wanting to make her proud of me and being better than her. 

I guess that I am already on my way to becoming better than her. I am not with child, I am living on my own, I am or was on my way to being the person that makes me happy but she fucked that up too. I mean I already. 

At my age she had me, she was living with her mother and shoved me onto her while she finished school and worked full time (she never really stopped working full time when I was a child) I guess that is why we were never really close because she was always gone. And so that is when she did start slowing down with working all those hours, I myself started to drift away from her because in reality I did not really know her. 

I know I have my problems and I know where I get them from, but I learn from their mistakes. I learned from my mothers, but since without my father for a majority of my life I did not learn from his mistakes, lying. I still love her, she is my mother after all. 

But I just wish that our relationship was better, I mean growing older seems to help. Not being in the same house seems to help and only talking once in a while about school, Nathan, and an update on what is going on. 

 

How can he expect for me to remedy the situation. Should I tell him all this now or just let him go because of my relationship with my own mother.

I really need this to happen

Have you ever just needed something to happen to prove yourself to a specific person and to yourself?

 

 I mean I am in a situation where I have the ability to leave because:

 

1.  I have completed my Associates degree, which means I can choose to go where ever for my Bachelors in Accounting (I mean come on, what school does not have a program for accounting)

 

2. I do not like Florida… I have never liked the fact that there are no real ‘seasons’ (it was 84 degrees yesterday and I was sweating while walking around the campus) I miss the snow, the leaves changing colors in the fall and rain in the spring time. Not every day at 4 o’clock for 15 minutes.

 

3. My family is great at times, but then at times I feel like they still treat me like a child, especially my mother. I know in some way I am a child, only 21 years old and still have a lot to learn when it comes to live in the world. But I want to just leave and not have them there only 20 minutes away. Before when I was 18, right after high school I thought the same thing, but I have changed significantly. I have learned that I could live on my own and take care of myself when it comes to bills, feeding myself and Nathan, and just taking care of my body. Before, I did not know how to handle all of those things at once, now with a couple of year under my belt I can definitely truly live on my own, if need be.

 

4. Another thing! I am 21 years old and I am the only one in my family that is not pregnant, has dropped out of school, and is not living with their parents like the rest of my cousins and even my mother at my age. She just had me and she dropped out of the air force, had me, and lived with her mother. But now she is successful making more money than she ever imagined with a master’s degree, a two-story house, a man that loves her, and is still taking care of my sister the way she wished she raised me ( or so I hope ).

 

So with all those reason for me to have the abilities to leave, I still have to keep telling myself that I can do it. Because I cannot really believe that I truly have the ability to leave.

 

Okay just to let you guys know that I am not really going to be all alone and really vulnerable. I will actually be living with Tony, he is there in military and I just want to try to be with him now that we are a little more grown up than we were before when we were together back in high school. So I just want to see how being with him goes, I have planned out where I might work, where I would attend school to get my Bachelor’s degree, and where we might live together with Nathan. I have this all planned out. I have back up plans to my plans.

 

So why am I not confident as much as I really should be? Maybe I have to wait until I take a look for myself on what I have to look forward to. (That’s why I am going to fly there very soon so I can get a feel for the environment, the city, and the even take a tour of the school if I can.) So maybe then I will find out if this is unsettling feeling is just nerves before the change.

 

Who is going to stop me?

I have recently saw this picture on iFunny, the app on my phone that streams funny pictures and gifs. The picture was of a child trying to get on top of the refrigerator using different things like a couple of chairs, a trash can, and a frying pan. and the refrigerator had alphabetic magnets that said “The question isn’t who is going to let me it’s who is going to stop me”

That really spoke to me. All my life I would look to other people for approval on what to do or what was okay, and I thought why ask for permission when I could try and see what happens.

I plan to make a lot of changes and instead of looking for approval I will just go along with my plans until someone stops me. Mostly likely the only person to do that would be me or someone very close to me, a would-be spouse. But that man is not beside me at this time so it is just me and I could make any decision I want and what I want is to be happy. Happiness is what I guess I have been searching for since I have left my parents and unfortunately I have not found happiness in what I have chose so far. I guess because those choices were without the person that truly made me happy before, and now I have realized that so I have made plans to at least try to create another relationship with him and if it does not work then…. I will have to chose something else and figure out what else would make me happy.

I could marry my job, just like my mother, maybe get another dog. But first thing is first that I need to follow through with this choice.

 

Who is going to stop me?

Long Time, No Blog….

So a lot of things have changed since the last time I made a post… A whole year has passed and a lot of things have changed for me. I don’t think I really had time to even think about blogging. So I will fill you in.

January 2012 was the last time you heard from me. Well back then I was still with Jay and things were not very good were they? Well it escalated. He was not really paying his side of the rent so I got a second job to make up for the money he could not provide, then we started to drift apart because he did not like the fact I would always work and have no time for him. I would always be too tired to do anything with him or for him, but I had too he was just always sitting on the couch having the T.V on and playing his computer game League of legends. I mean I liked the game also but there was no drive in him to want to get a better job and help bills. Oh… and he had this dream of becoming a famous boxer. Well, I was sick of it, he was not helping and he was trying to make me feel guilty on working so much and not being with him. The end came about March 2012, I forgot how everything escalated to this one night but the result was his mother coming into my house and taking him and saying that she knew all along that this would happen, then called me a helpless bitch while walking out and he was crying. I did feel bad at all but I got really upset when I told her I will drop off his stuff, then she came over with Jay and a police officer…. I mean who does that! But this was icing on the cake, he kept calling me and saying he will change and he will be better, I would keep saying no. Then his ex-girlfriend, Facebook messaged me saying to stop contacting me and telling me that he does not want me anymore and that I should get a life of my own and he is all hers now. Well to say the least, that was the end of the worst mistake that I have ever made in my entire life.

So I kept the apartment and lived there until December 2012 because that was when the lease ended and I thought I would be a good idea to live with roommates to not pay so much rent until I settle into my intended career, which at the time was business marketing. I started working at a company that sold DirecTV at Wal-Mart in Central Florida, needless to say right now that was also a bad decision because I learned to I am bad at selling something like DirecTV, where they already have a bad reputation. I found that I would be better in an office setting dealing with numbers and people who work inside my company already. So the following Spring I went back to school with the plan to get my AS in Business Administration and a minor in Accounting. Now looking for roommates for me was very hard because I did have any friends outside of work since all that I would do was work and walk my dog Nathan. (Reminder I have to tell you guys about Nathan) Other than those things I had no friends. Now since I have bought furniture with Jay I could not get an apartment that was fully furnished and have reduced rent, like all the apartments around here are like that. So I went on a website called Roomster.com and see if I could rent a room with some people for a year then leave on my own. So my plan was to meet these people in a public setting to get a feel for them then talk to them to see if they were cool. I thought it would have been easy. So I found a girl who needed one more person to live with and she seemed cool, she was 24 and in the graduate program for physical therapy, there was two others, one was a guy 25 also a graduate student in the physical therapy program working at a restaurant, and the last one was a girl who was 20 that worked at two restaurants but does not go to school. Now I was that second one to officially move in, the guy was the first his name was Drew. He was okay to live with, we talked and he liked to drink, we kept to ourselves and we were cool with it. Then Liz came back from vacation. Then Ally was the last person to move in. BTW while time has pasted Drew and Ally started to have sex with each other now they are together, this was all because of one drunken night.

Now things were okay for about two months then things started to get heated between me and Liz. She is the kind of person that believes “My way or the highway” She first had a problem with my dog, we have a different outlook on what is a trained dog and what is not. I believe that a trained dog knows his name, knows the word no, and does not pee in the house. Well she believes that the dog is a complete servant to their master, the dog needs to know all the commands, the dog should come using a certain sound that the dog knows and not look at humans while they are eating. So to her, I had an untrained dog. Then since she goes to bed late at night apparently it is my fault that I get up early and watch TV and take out my dog and move  around that house. So it is my fault that she has a bad mood in the morning because I make so much noise.(well she should go to be earlier and not at 1 in the morning on a school night. And then she does not like that I did not have a full-time job. Which is none of her business if I have a full-time job or not, as long as I give her the rent on time then everything should be good. But the only reason she said that was because I was always home when she got home, I guess the site of me at home chilling pissed her off.

Then one night I came home after work to find my light on and it looked like someone was looking for something. I come in the house and ask why someone was in my room. Ally said “How did you know?” Well that’s not what you should say to my question just answer it. She said she was looking for batteries…. But there is specifically a batteries drawer for Drew’s video game controllers in the kitchen. I then started to get mad at all of them. Then Liz one day got mad that we shared a bathroom together and did not like the fact that I had to go into her room to use the bathroom. (I did not want to used that other bathroom because Drew and Ally have sex in that shower almost everyday, if not twice a day) So she started to lock her room so I could not get into it, which made me go all the way to my parents house to take a shower. At this point I talked to the leasing office to leave and break my contract with these people. So They just signed a paper which said I would leave exactly 6 months May 2013 but instead I left at the end of Aril 2012 not the end of May 2012, since I knew that they new girl could not come to the house until June 2012. (I still secretly laugh at that fact).

Now my mother was okay with the fact of me staying with her until my apartment was ready for me ( I am waiting listed until something is open, and now one is open in August ) The reason she was okay with it was because she was really upset with Liz and just could not believe the things she did and said to me.

So I am here in my parent’s new house waiting to leave in August. I have not really been interested in any males because of my problems at home and my awesome new job! (I am not going to say where I am working now because the internet is full of people who I do not want to know who I am and where I work.) But my job is awesome and I love it because I get paid more than I ever had before doing next to nothing! Right now I am happy and I cannot wait until I live on my own again and truly start being an adult again, paying bills and being a grown up.

So that is your catch up…

Well i guess fairy tales arent real…

I know I have not been able to update any blogs and I do not want any of you guys to think that I killed myself. So I will tell you what has been happening and what is now.

New Start….. I am Happy

The title says everything right now. i know that my actions
before was kind of desperate with Tony… well i was kind of desperate because
i just wanted to feel happy again and to have the man i fell in love with love
me the way he did before. But he is different, he changed because of me. And
maybe that’s a good thing that things came out the way it did. I learned that
he couldn’t handle or didn’t want to support my career choice of working in a restaurant,
while i was on cloud 9 working at a place where i have wanted for a long time
he was upset that i was not giving him enough attention as i was before. But i
was so focused on the now of getting money and making a future together. I
never lost the love for him, he did.

Halloween

Happy Halloween people,

My World is Black and White…

I’m not talking about color of your skin. Because i don’t
see that. You’re a boy or a girl and we are all human. Everyone is different
for a reason and that’s what makes people, well… people.

Looking Around

Things are happening. And things are coming soon… Am I ready?